patrick bateman: *licks a strawberry icecream he got from an icecream truck* hm yummy ice cream
his internal monologue: look at me . eating processed flavoring. There is no strawberry in here. It’s but a pastiche of the real deal. An ice cream with artificial flavoring, a momentary joy. Tested countless times in a lab, masquerading as if it’s authentic, genuine. Me and a strawberry icecream are alike in that sense: gentle on the outside, palatable and unassuming. The only difference is that I don’t come with nutrition facts advising of any warning signs concerned parents will scan over, and by the time I strike, itll be too late
disclaimer i have never seen this movie I just think the soul of this guy possessed me
disclaimer revoked i just watched this movie and this was dead on
In the mid-2000s there was a brief fad in Australian government messaging where they went out of their way to insult the public as much as possible.
This fad eventually died out after the tourism board attempted the same style of messaging in the UK, causing a minor scandal which led to the head of Tourism Australia, Scott Morrison, getting the sack.
The first time we drove past the “don’t drive like a cock” sign, my mum looked at it was immediately SO confused - after all she’s a good semi-conservative Christian woman. My brother and I knew it right away but for the next half hour she guessed literally EVERY other word for cock (don’t drive like a rooster, chicken, hen, chick, bird, fowl, poultry) trying her goddamned hardest to make the sign make sense until my - at the time - eleven year old brother got fed up and yelled COCK at the top of his lungs from the back seat.
My mum was FURIOUS - we weren’t even allowed to say “heck” - until she realised he’d just been telling her what the sign was, and for the rest of the three hour trip our good semi-conservative Christian mother proceeded to amuse herself by muttering “cock” under her breath and giggling like a teenager every time she did.
We still bring it up every now and then. So that particular advertising campaign has been making my family laugh for over a decade.
This one was always my favourite, though:
Reblogging to make sure this excellent story is seen
did i even tell you guys how i pretended to know how to play an instrument for three years and only two people ever figured it out.
i don’t mean i was like. telling people i could play guitar, i mean i was sitting in band class holding a french horn to my lips and looking at the music and not understanding any of it or knowing how to play a single note. for 3 years.
the two people who knew were my best friend who knew i was too stupid to play such a complicated instrument and the only other hornist in my section who had to desperately cover for me because he knew i had blackmail material on him. i only came clean this year in my senior speech and to this day people still call me mellophony and the no hit wonder.
ALT
